Perfectionism Is Not Power, It's a Disguise for Pain

emmajobray
Jun 23
3 min read

Updated: Jun 24

There isn’t a single human being on this planet who is perfect. Perfection is an illusion. We are all wired with flaws, quirks, and contradictions, and that's not a design flaw. That’s the design. We are, each of us, perfectly imperfect. And in that, lies our deepest beauty.

What often gets called “perfectionism” isn’t a high standard, it’s a survival strategy. A protective mechanism. It takes immense energy to appear perfect. And no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough, because you're chasing something that doesn’t exist.

The Roots of Perfectionism

I worked with a client who had lived most of her life under the weight of perfectionism. It started in childhood, when she felt inadequate, unintelligent, and insignificant. So her mind, trying to protect her from that pain, created a belief: “If I’m perfect, I’ll be enough.”

That’s the tricky part: Perfectionism can feel like power. Like control. But really, it’s a reaction to feeling powerless. And until we understand what’s driving it, we stay stuck, exhausted, anxious, and never truly ourselves.

What You See Isn’t Always the Whole Picture

People only show you what they want you to see.

That same client came to my home for a session. She commented on how clean and tidy it looked. So I took her to the spare room and opened the door: a mountain of clothes and an unmade bed. Her whole body relaxed. She smiled. “Even a therapist doesn’t have her shit together.”

Exactly. Because I’m human too. I’ve struggled with perfectionism most of my life. For me, it was a way to feel in control when everything else felt chaotic. But healing began when I did the deep healing work by understanding where it came from, it was only then I was tryly incontrol and comfortable in my own skin which enabled me to stop trying to appear put together, and started letting myself be whole.

Even therapists need therapy sometimes.

How to Begin Letting Go of Perfectionism

Here are a few powerful tools to help break free:

1. Name the Fear Behind It

Ask yourself: What am I afraid will happen if I’m not perfect? Rejection? Judgment? Abandonment? Bring that fear into the light. Awareness is step one.

2. Recognise the Origin

Most perfectionism starts early. Trace it back, whose voice told you you weren’t enough? What event made you feel unsafe or unworthy?

3. Reframe Mistakes

Try this mantra: “Mistakes mean I’m learning. Imperfection means I’m alive.” Choose growth over performance, because perforamce will be a by product of the growth.

4. Start Practicing “Good Enough”

Do your best, because your best is always 'Good Enough'.

5. Let People See the Real You

Show your messy room. Speak before your thoughts are polished. Be human out loud. Authenticity builds real connection, perfection does not. Having the vulnerablilty to show your flaws is a superpower because it makes you more relatable.

Client Testimonial

"Wow! After learning where my perfectionism came from and why it came into my life, I can now finally logically process and see the old triggers, and I now finally have control over them. Therefore, I have complete control of my life. I have never felt freer and more like me, the real me."